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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Do you have a secret?

What are 10 things you have in the back of your mind that you hardly tell anyone? They don't all have to be positive things (honestly, read mine).... Care to share? Let me start!

1) I sometimes find myself jealous of my Husband.... I know he's away from home most of the month working hard to support our family... This is something we both agreed was best at this time in our lives for our family.... To get ahead.... But I sometimes find myself a little jealous that he doesn't have the "everyday routines" like I do. Wake up, kids up, ready for school, fed, to school, running around, pick up, sports (5 of 7 days), volunteering (I actually quite enjoy this), fed again, showers, reading, special one-on-one time, bed, cleaning, more work, etc.. It's the days when he gets to run into the City up there, have dinner with buddies from work, go swimming or a movie, shop without little ones tagging along ('cause we all know how well that can go), listen to live music at a pub (and be the DD! A bonus as he actually remembers it all, not like the others! *L*)...... Not have to worry about sitters, or feeling guilty for using family as a sitter..... Yup.

2) Implants. I honest to goodness dream of having breast implants. I always have.... Then having kids (or the after effects) made me dream harder about this. Or at least a lift. I've done my part for our family, can't I improve myself here??! *L*

3) I sometimes yearn for a larger family. I originally wanted four children, one for each season. We started with Winter, moved onto Summer..... Then built a house. Decided we would have a five year plan.... Then have our next two (that way I would be able to give them one-on-one time while the older two were at school).... 5 years came and went and I realized that I now wanted to travel, have "extra" spending money for my children, do things for them that I may not have been able to experience as a child... But every once and awhile I still yearn to have more. I would love to have a houseful of children running around.... What joy! What stress! *L* But I can see how parents of more then four say 'You tend to see the humor in things more often.... And not stress as much as you did with one or two children'. I'd like that.

4) I love, love, love speed. I love race cars and motorcycles. I love dreaming of being a race car driver (I have my whole life). Would I ever try? Maybe..... But I'd probably end up not doing it and watching my Husband try.... As I feel I have to be practical.... And alive for my children. *L* But do I dream of these things? EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

5) I'm a horrible parent. I'm busy all the time, I don't always care to play make-believe, I don't cook (so now they lack those skills too), I hate cleaning (and yet another skill they will lack)... Yup, my children will be well driven (do you know how much volunteering I do??! *L*) and have maids, cooks, and probably nannies. *sigh*

6) I want more. Is that bad? It might be because I'm a natural planner.... Which can be good but usually ends up playing the negative for me. I want to be in our next house, I want a big backyard (an acreage might do), I want my girls to have all life experiences they can, I want to have a trampoline, climbing rope, balance beam for Zoe to practice her gymnastics (I actually asked Tyler for a balance beam in our basement, see what I mean?!), I want Emma to have the private skating lessons on top of her already three times a week group lessons in skating, I want my Husband home all the time (and yet to make the same amount of money as we do now), I want to have a photography business.... I want, I want, I want. I know, THAT part is bad.

7) I would be alright being a hermit, living in the middle of nowhere doing my photography.... Until I needed (no, craved) other human interactions. Then I'd need to stay at our second place in the City... *L*

8) There have been struggles. There has been less Church. Enough said.

9) I don't care for eye contact. It scares me. I push through this often, but still.... Don't care for it.

10) Public speaking + I = Not a good pair. Does anyone remember me giving my shaky speech at Sarah and Conor's wedding? Uggghhh..... I would have been able to fake it except my hand holding the microphone wouldn't stop shaking. And yet, controlling a bunch of actors as a Stage Manager is nothing. Or running the Parents' Association Meetings, cinch.

(Oh yes, I'm going to continue!)....

11) I'm lazy. I feel like I'm lazy all the time. I feel like I don't do enough, and it shows in my house.

12) I daydream about what I would be doing right now if I wasn't married or had kids (not always those two together).... I'd probably be drunk (TOTALLY kidding! *L*).... But I would hang out with friends at any hour, see the newest movies, go to concerts, travel all over, enjoy the wine in Italy, Ouzo in Greece, sleep in on weekends, etc. And still volunteer, just not at an elementary school I suppose... *L*

13) I love Cardston. It's calm there, or at least that's where I say my calmness is. I find peace there whenever I go.... I actually crave going there some days. AND I love my in-laws, so that's a bonus (as they live there)! I've actually done trips to their place without Tyler in tow as I've wanted to go there so badly and see them! I'm quite lucky for this and realize that every day.

14) I sometimes think that it would be good for us as a family to move away from where everyone else is. Make our own traditions, start someplace new, have no 'other' pressures around..... And it would have to be somewhere warm during the Winter. I'm tired of shovelling snow.

15) I dislike confrontation. I'd prefer to avoid it at almost any cost.... But have gotten better in the last few years with it, maybe being Chair of the PA is paying off! ;P

16) I feel guilty for not moving faster on a certain business plan. I don't know what I want to be when I get older (yeah, yeah).... I feel uneducated and like the only thing I'm half-way good at is being a Mom. And a volunteer. I'm sorry that I don't know when I want to start that up. I like my life right now, I like volunteering like a mad-person, and running my children around... I feel like I'm letting people down.

17) I'm afraid of hearing what negative things people will say or not say (yay even better, you think it every time you see me) about this post. But I've come to learn that in order for me to move forward in my life, I need to let go.... And sometimes that means blogging my secrets.

18) I truely hope you challenge yourself to this. Let me know if you do.



JessLikesStuff said...

What a fantastic post! I wish I had the time to respond to every point one by one right now (but I have an exam in 90 minutes lol!). First off - totally feel you on the boob thing. I already told KeV that when I'm done having kids I want them lifted. Not bigger...just perkier...haha!!! It sounds like you just have so many exciting ideas and possibilities. I'm really excited to see where the next few years take you. I cN totally understand why you'd be "jealous" of Tyler's schedule in a way. I sometimes feel the same way since Kevin works evenings so I'm like a "single" parent in that I'm the one responsible for all things kid related from 1pm onwards. And that means if I want to do anything all the planning, coordination, driving falls to me. But I suspect Tyler would say he's pretty jealous of you too :). Anyways...you are an amazing mom and you are also amazing at so many other things!!!! And you're still young enough that you COULD have your 4 kids AND travel AND make your businesses amazing AND so on and so forth!!! Just think! :) can't wait to Read your next installment!!

Chels said...

I loved reading this. It makes me miss you more! We need to get together soon. And also you are not a terrible parent! I feel like that all the time too, though :(

Anonymous said...

I want to desperately tell you a few things after reading this. First: you are NOT a bad parent. I wonder if you truly see your girls from the outside in? And then look at other peoples kids...seriously.

You CAN do whatever you want. Be a photographer, be a planner, be a pilot. lol -- seriously. Your not even 30, and you have so much life ahead of you. Choose the direction YOU want without pressure from anywhere else. Be happy :)

Thirdly, this whole post, and your love for avoiding confrontation, (both bad AND sappy ;) lol) makes me wanna tell you that your an amazing friend, and I love you tons. <3